What does confidence look like at different ages?

We all want confident children. But ask a four year old if they can run faster than a car, and they may well say yes. So what are we actually trying to build?

The research suggests confidence changes shape as children grow. For little ones, it is less about believing in themselves (they mostly do already) and more about knowing their feelings and noticing what they tried. Here is what helps at each age.

What does confidence mean for a child?

A widely used framework for social and emotional learning, from CASEL, calls this area "self-awareness". It means knowing your own feelings, strengths, limits and values, and how they affect what you do. Naming feelings, spotting your strengths and self-confidence all sit inside it.

Confidence, in other words, is not just feeling good. It is knowing yourself.

Do toddlers and preschoolers have self-esteem? (about 2 to 4)

A 2017 paper on how children see themselves sums up earlier research like this. Between about 2 and 4, children form their first basic ideas about themselves: what they like, what they can do, who they are.

These early self-views are very positive: young children tend to overestimate what they can do. That is normal.

At this age, the most useful thing is simple: give feelings a name. "You look cross. Was it because the tower fell?"

Is it normal for a five year old to think they're the best? (about 4 to 6 or 7)

Yes. The same paper says children's views of themselves stay very positive until about 6 or 7. So pumping up self-esteem is not really the job. What helps more is learning to name feelings, and hearing praise for what they did.

Naming feelings is a skill that can be taught. In a randomised trial in 20 preschool classrooms in the US, a nine-month programme of weekly lessons on feelings and self-control raised children's understanding of emotions. Parents and teachers rated them as more socially skilled, and teachers rated them as less withdrawn. It was led by teachers in class, not parents at home, but it shows the skill can grow with practice.

A review pooling many studies found that children who understood emotions better tended to have better social skills and fewer behaviour problems. The links were small, and show a connection, not cause and effect.

How you praise matters too. In a small study, five and six year olds acted out role-play stories with dolls. Some heard praise about themselves, like "You're a good girl." Others heard praise about what they did, like "You found a good way to do it." When a later story involved a mistake, the children praised as a person reacted more helplessly. They rated themselves lower and were less keen to keep going.

When do children start comparing themselves to others? (about 7 to 10)

From about 7 or 8, according to the 2017 paper, children start comparing themselves with others.

This is when two other findings matter.

Over-the-top praise can backfire. In one set of studies, adults gave more inflated praise ("incredibly beautiful") to children with low self-esteem. In an experiment with 240 children aged 8 to 12, that kind of praise led low-self-esteem children to choose easier tasks afterwards. The praise differed by just one word. It is one paper, so treat it as a useful pointer, not the final word.

"More special than others" is not the same as warmth. A study followed 565 Dutch children aged 7 to 12 for 18 months. Parents who saw their child as more special than other children had children who later scored higher on narcissism. Parental warmth, on the other hand, was linked to higher self-esteem, not narcissism. This study shows links, not cause, and the children were older than preschoolers.

So for this age, the aim is words about their own progress. "Last month this took you ages, and look now." Not a ranking.

So what should I say instead?

A few principles that follow from the evidence:

• Name the feeling. "You seem nervous about tomorrow."
• Praise the trying, specifically. "You kept going when the zip was stuck" beats "You're amazing."
• Keep praise sincere and in proportion. "That's a lovely drawing" is plenty.
• Skip "best" and "more special". And skip comparisons with siblings or classmates.
• Lead with warmth. In the study above, warmth, not labels, went with healthy self-esteem.

The short version

Under-7s already see themselves very positively, so confidence at this age is mostly about naming feelings and noticing effort. From about 7 or 8, comparison starts, so give them words about their own progress. Praise the process, keep it sincere, avoid "more special than others", and lead with warmth.

TinyDeposits gives you a simple ten-minute plan for each child, so small moments like these happen on purpose, not by chance.

A summary of published research and guidance for parents, not medical advice. "Linked to" means a connection was found, not proof of cause.